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stygiancolors
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Name: Douglas
Country: United States
State: Hawaii
Birthday: 9/27/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: drawing and painting, swimming, relaxing with friends, shooting pool,....(shooting people..) did i type that out loud?
Expertise: making life miserable, spelling stuff wrong and art....
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  pain legionnaire
Member Since:
10/13/2003
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| i guess my life is worth writing about because apparently people wants to read this.... i guess i'll start off with my appendicitis.
On the 5th of june, i got off the bus and decided after a day and a half of a gut wrenching stomachache, it was time for me to see a doctor. I could barely walk, let alone to laugh... a limped my ass all the way to the heath office at UH, to see a doctor that told me "hmm.... i don't know whats wrong with you. I think you could just wait it out.... or it could be appendicitis.... in that case, you might want to go to the hospital.".... Thanks asshole...
I skipped class and started calling everyone i know who could give me a ride to kaiser medical center at Salt Lake. Alas, my good friend Alex came to my rescue, and ryan came along to make sure i was alright. we joked and laughed the whole ride there just to break the silence. but the laughter didn't help, it hurts. literally. looking for the emergency room at kaiser is like looking for a book a Hamilton library. They asked me to strip, then sucked about half a gallon of blood outta me, and said it's for testing. sure. then it took 2 tries with 3 doctors at ultrasound to FIND my appendix. 10 mins later a white robe came in and asked me "did ultrasound tell you?" "... no...?" "you got appendicitis! you have 72hours till it pops" "... cool?..." "you wanna operate today?" "... yeah i think so."
next thing i know, they had me moved to this different room and asked me to pee in a bottle. "i don't think i need to go..." "well if you don't, we'll have to shove a tube up your wee hole" my pants dropped faster then a kid's testicles during puberty. peeing laying down wasn't easy, you can't really... well you DON'T really want to shake... after i was done with business, they opened the curtains and a scrub came up to ask how i was doing. before i could respond, one of the male nurses told the doc, with a loud and audible volume "HE JUST PEED!" doc turns to him, "what was that? "HEE JUUUST PEEEEED!!!" it was like there were suppose to be confetti and balloons flying or something, because everyone smiled and clapped. "thats great! now we don't have to shove a tube up your wee hole!" I'm guessing they can't say the word "dick" and the last thing i remembered was a purple mask over my face and a nurse going "breath in the oxygen." that was a lie.
I woke up on the other side of where i lost my memories. I looked around to see that an hour and a half has went by, and there was hot latino nurse smiling at me. I looked under my blanket to check out my scar like a tramp that just got a boob job, just to realize that i was still gowned. whatever, i can see it later. they pushed me to my room just to be disappointed with a roommate that apparently can't breath on his own due to a mucus build up in his throat. he gaged and gurgled constantly to fight for air. he had a tube that continuously made a vacuum that allowed him to suck the puss out of this neck. he gags on that tube too. he shit himself constantly, which wasn't pretty. the nurses constantly have to take care of him. changing his sheets, cleaning his shit, helping him suck the puss out his throat. One time, when the nurses was trying to clean him up, he shated on the nurse. lovely. I hated him. he would only be nice to the pretty nurses, and he would only apologize for his behaviors to the pretty nurses. and he would not hit the nurse call button, but instead he'll just yelled and yelled and yelled, untill I HIT THE NURSE CALL BUTTON. it's 3 am... i'm gonna finish this story later...
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| I want to scream sometimes... and right now, at the final stretch of
the semester, i feel like I need to scream... I miss the old days... as a child or in the ROTC days... i was so free release this energy to the world. The vibrations and the waves. But no... in this society, if I do such a thing, I would be looked at as crazy. so the potential energy gathers, and it slowly manifest itself to a beast, and now a demon. It pounds the gates of persona, struggling to be freed. And when i sit alone like this right now, i hear nothing but it's howling. The waves... the vibrations... it hurts my head. It tortures me... But the strange thing is... I know if I let it out, I'm gonna like it... I was born in a profound teaching of self control. And I was taught not to allow others to see my weaknesses or desire, because it might just bring a burden amongst them. They tell me this... use that energy as a productive resource, so I did. I tried working out, it did help in exerting all of the physical energy, but not the negative energy... I'm stressed! and I'm destructive. I'm afraid that I might hurt myself, or even worst someone else. I want the blood, I want to drink it. I want it in a cup. I want it served cold, no ice. I want to chew on raw flesh, and rip it from it's source. I want to kill. And theres so many that deserves to die... Morals... Morals are my Gods. they are my savior, they tell me what to do. I live by them. As soon as I could figure out what the fuck is actually "Good" and what exactly is "Bad" I'll do the out most "Good" that I can. Society saids, "help people." Doug saids, "help people help themselves." The Demon saids, "Kill the helpless." They're all right, but they're all wrong at the same time. "Have a drink" they tell me, so i do. That helps alright, that helps a lot... the night I drink it. But by the next day the pain is twice as great, and I have Doug beating me up for how stupid I was. But it felt great. I am Blank by the way. I am a clean slate. I have no idea what is going on with everything. I haven't found it yet. I don't understand "Reason," I don't understand "Truth." I haven't found anything yet. I believe I want to do "Good" But what is the universal, not godly, but "Universally Good?" The society? Doug? The Demon? I'm willing to listen, and I'm willing to bend, if you show me the right way.
wow that was intense, That was my first attempt of subconscious writing... apparently there are at least 3 personas inside of me. Judge me if you want, I really don't care if you think I'm crazy or not. I need to find the real "Me" and this is one of the exercise I've learned to help discover myself. If any of you have a suggestion please let me know. I need to untangle myself lol!
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| the storm's aura slowly reached in my bedroom, as it grazed itself
south of us. dying. the fog is light but just enough to bring upon
atmosphere sensuality. the mist glazed the roads to reflect all the
colorful lights it blurred. the air thins, and with it, carries pollens
that gently scent the night. i stepped out side to the balcony and
welcomed it. no sirens tonight. only splashes from tires cutting through
the damp roads. the clouds reflected all shades of amber from the
streets. tonight honolulu glowed. it glowed like a pearl sitting in
it's shell. it glowed like a sapphire buried in a mine. and it glowed.... like the love i used to have for you. | | |
| happy memorial day!!!
big freakin' woop. today i witnessed the following...
so a kid... bout 9...picked up a shirt and shoved it in his shirt. damn
what an idiot... he saw me. dropped the shirt. and tried to act normal
again. so i went off to watch at a distance. he picks up something
else. went to men's and conceal that. but unfortunately, i didn't get a
good view. he went into main street. met up with 2 of his friends. 15
and a young one.. 7-8 maybe? walked around the cash rap. found out
there was no way out through kids. so they went through adults. i
followed them. then they met up with another one. on a bike. 15 at
least. then one came up from behind me. 5-1... the odds didn't look
good.... i let him go... fuck! now that i think about it. i really
should have just grabbed him. oh well. like john said. you can't catch
them all.
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| at the moment, i feel used. replaced. forgotten. and betrayed. i'm not
sure what the rest of you guys think... but yeah shes not one of my
tops...
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